>> Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Today I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The story is kind of miraculous. I found out just days before we were to start all the infertility testing. And I’ve been celebrating for the past month by planning cute Halloween costumes in my head (due date would be around 10/29) and looking up baby names, for which we have a girl name picked and a few contenders for boy. (Why are boy names so difficult to choose?) Everything from Ada’s baby days is sitting in the new nursery waiting to be unpacked -- clothes, crib, carriers. And it’s our first “warm” weather day in what feels like ages.
The only problem is that I think I’m miscarrying. Or that I soon will.
Stephen and I went in for a scan last week. It’s not the habit of my midwife to order early scans, but I was under the care of the clinic’s fertility specialist and, therefore, under his protocols. My first HCG draws were good and doubling as to be expected, so we scheduled the scan. I wasn’t expecting to see a heartbeat, but when we didn’t see the fetal pole, I felt uneasy. Because I’ve been tracking and trying for so long, I know when I ovulated when we likely did or did not conceive to the day. We left that appointment with a bunch of “it’s too early” comments, and the week-long wait began for the next scan.
Which brings us to yesterday. I tossed and turned in my bed all night anxious about the repeat test. Stephen has an evaluation this week, so getting off from work is difficult for him. And my friend offered to watch Ada so I could go by myself to see if we’ve made any progress. I sat in the waiting room with my heart pounding out of my chest, which was more my body’s doing than anything else. I had no control over it. When the ultrasound tech called my name, I knew it’d be over soon. The awful waiting. I’ve spent so much of my life waiting this last year or so.
The minute we got a look into my uterus, I could see we had indeed progressed since last week. There was the tiniest fetal pole and even a little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech did some measurements. Heart rate was 92 beats per minute. However, there wasn’t a lot of time to rejoice. She began asking me if my dates were correct. I assured her I was tracking my cycle, using OPKs, and monitoring other symptoms of ovulation. Still, the baby was measuring at 5 weeks 4 days, a full week behind my dating with specific regard to conception (my LMP due date would have me over 7 weeks, but I ovulated late last month). In fact, that’s what I should have measured and what we should have seen on the screen last week.
My heart sank because there’s seriously no way I could be that far behind -- that would mean I conceived a mere couple days before getting a positive pregnancy test. Not possible even with the most sensitive tests. Not possible with our timeline of when we did and did not try. The tech tried so hard to have the dates make sense by saying “well, if you ovulated maybe a couple days later, then conception happened 24 hours after that, then later implantation, etc.” -- and we still couldn’t get things to work on even the craziest scenario.
So, now I’m in for another gut-wrenching week-long wait. The midwife wasn’t discouraging or encouraging, really, but she sort of said “if your dates aren’t agreeing with the scan with that large of an error, you should pay attention to that.” Then she asked about my support system and told me if I started bleeding, I can just progress at home if I feel OK. In other words, more leaning toward things not working out.
I feel numb. And I found myself quite paralyzed asking questions in the office. So many large pregnant bellies had surrounded me in the waiting room . . . and here I was getting all doom and gloom and asking about how natural miscarriages start or what other options we might have to resort to if things don’t turn around. I tried making my appointment for next week but had to excuse myself and tell them I’d call back later. I rushed through the waiting room past all the pregnant women again, trying my best to just keep it together. My emotions poured out the minute I got to my car.
I have another scan next Monday, and I believe that one will likely be the answer. What I do know is that I’m not off on my dates. Yet, we have seen good progress since last week. I don’t have a good vibe from my provider, but I also have the beginnings of morning sickness (ugh -- getting worse by the day) and e.x.t.r.e.m.e exhaustion. What I do know is that my little baby’s heart is beating inside my body right now, even if only for a little while longer. I’m trying to cherish this time and muster all my strength into nurturing and caring for him or her even at this early stage. I’m trying so very hard to stay positive. But I’m also trying to understand that realistically things aren’t looking favorably on our situation.
This isn’t the kind of update I saw myself writing. I’ve never wanted something so badly and -- at the same time -- felt so completely out of control. A couple of my friends have had similar situations where things turned around. Machines are wrong. Miracles happen. I’m trying to consider all sides. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I’ll be sure to update soon, but I figured I’d write this now and hope to be wrong about the outcome.