What’s Good // What’s Not

>> Tuesday, April 14, 2015

I hit the big two week milestone in my miscarriage recovery yesterday, and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again after what seemed like never-ending weeks of weight and worry. (BTW: Ada’s new “thing” is making the goofiest faces she can whenever there’s a camera around. Cheesing pretty hard here, eh?)

Unfortunately, part of my post-surgery checkup was to get an HCG draw in the lab. The paperwork says “pregnancy quant” and the phlebotomist offered me a hearty congratulations. I held back some tears and quickly explained to her that I’d be back soon to see how my levels are dropping, not rising. And she felt terrible. It was so not her fault, but how awkward. I wish there was different coding on the lab sheet.

The good that came out of this interaction? Apparently she used to see the same fertility doctor I’m going to do all my testing/treatments with. She and her husband had tried for three years to get pregnant with no luck. She got pregnant her first month of treatment with my doctor and has gone on to have three healthy boys. So, that sounds like some light at the end of the tunnel -- just what I need to focus on right now as we start our long wait to TTC again. (My levels are still in the 300s, so it might be a while before my first cycle starts. Then I need to wait two more until we’re cleared. C’mon, body!)

Also good: I’m running again.

I had gone through this period of time before we knew the pregnancy wouldn’t progress where I thought I had some control over it. I basically stopped exercising and -- instead-- wrapped myself in a comfort food cocoon. I started back several days after the D&C (with permission from my doctor) with 3 mile jogs. That felt good, so I increased it to 4 and now 5. I’ve been doing between 3-5 miles, five days a week. I seriously cannot do more, and it’s been a long time since running has felt this hard. It’s humbling and oddly motivating. I’d like to run a 10K at the start of next month. No actual racing for me. But getting back into even casual training with a goal helps me feel like myself.

Also not great: Everyone’s in bloom (it seems).

Throughout all the months we got negative tests, I saw frequent pregnancy announcements and celebrated many births of babies. It was hard, but I kept moving and thinking that my time would soon come. In the last two weeks alone, however, I have seen nine pregnancy announcements . . . and what’s worse is that the due dates are all so close to when I would have been due. Within a week or so. It’s not like I’m angry or bitter or anything like that, but I’d be lying if I said it’s not overwhelming me. With what emotion, I’m not sure. I know the sting will subside over time, but I didn’t anticipate this part being so difficult.

This post is all over the place.

Anyway, I felt like I needed something to remember this experience -- a physical object. Something I could hold in my hands because I truly feel like it was all a bad dream. I woke up no longer pregnant -- emptied out -- and now there’s nothing left that makes me feel like it ever happened. So, I picked up this Dove bracelet by Alex and Ani. I don’t know. Doves symbolize love, peace, faith, and hope and I am in need of all that stuff right now. Silly, but it helps to have something tangible.

Last, what’s been particularly surprising is how the weather is totally echoing my mood. We just came out of a dark, cold, and dreary two week period and then the sun soaked us on Sunday with temperatures in the upper 60s. I opened all the windows to the house and sat outdoors all day long . . . just because I could. I got a sunburn, too. Lesson learned: When you haven’t been outside with exposed skin in six months, sunscreen = requirement.

The dark clouds are lifting, though, in more ways than one!

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