>> Wednesday, May 27, 2015
You may have noticed that I’ve been sort of quiet lately. Or at least just not blogging like usual. I’m in this weird limbo right now where I’m getting different fertility testing and counting down the days until we can try again. And it’s stirring up a lot of emotions. Unexpected emotions and feelings and thoughts that have me wishing this process was just, well, easier.
I look back at “TTC” with Ada in pure wonder.
I started charting again, which for those of you who are new to TTC is just what it sounds like. You wake up in the morning, take your temperature before getting out of bed, and plot it on a chart. I use Fertility Friend to keep track and -- honestly -- I don’t think it works great for me. I’m a light sleeper, I’m often up in the night, and my temps tend to be all over the place. But I do keep track of all the other signs my body gives me along with the chart to help determine if/when ovulation occurs.
My doctor also wants me to use ovulation test strips, especially this month because I’ll get my blood taken 9 days after it turns positive. I wasn’t thrilled to head down the Family Planning aisle again at the drug store. All these memories flooded back. The months upon months of buying these tests, the countless pregnancy tests, etc. And I was certainly dismayed to see that -- yet again -- my strips are almost always near positive no matter where I find myself in my cycle. But at least we’re on a path to figuring out why and what to do about it. (By the way, my doctor says to never invest in those expensive ovulation tests -- just get the cheap strips.)
I’ve also been cleaning up my act again with regard to eating and drinking. I definitely indulged a bit too much due to stress and, yes, sadness over the last couple months. I’ll write a post all about this stuff soon. The short of it is I’m avoiding alcohol, drinking a green smoothie every day, eating less bread/sugar, and trying to get back into the rhythm I was in the month we did conceive. I had changed my habits drastically that month and don’t necessarily think getting pregnant was a fluke. At the same time, I’m starting to think it’s pure luck.
As a couple, we’re doing OK, too. I will admit it’s still difficult to hear people joke that making babies is “so much fun” or whatever else if they know we’re trying for number two. Someone at a party over the weekend was joking that he could tell us how it works if we are confused. I just about lost it. It can really feel quite isolating when it seems people are announcing pregnancies left and right. But we’re in it together and I think we have a new perspective and respect for the entire process now.
Above all, I have really turned a corner mentally, and I’m talking just in the last couple weeks. I feel ready to just get back into the groove and get the optimism flowing again. I am ready to start over, however difficult and unfair it feels. I can look up baby names for fun and truly enjoy being around my friends’ babies. It was hard (impossible) for a while. I won’t lie, I have my moments where I still get jealous. Other times when I even get angry that we miscarried. But overall, the good days are outnumbering the bad.
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