>> Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I’ve been quiet lately in all areas of my life. I didn’t know if I wanted to write anything about why, but you guys know me. I can’t keep quiet. Here it is: I’m having a hard time approaching the due date of our spring pregnancy. I had Ada at 38 weeks, so it’s heartbreaking knowing we might have possibly been holding that baby by now. Our due date was Thursday the 29th.
And in a blink . . . that date is basically here already.
Chemical pregnancies aren’t better or worse, but I didn’t see a heartbeat with those. I didn’t see a fetal pole or embryo. I didn’t have morning sickness. No D&C or horrible complications. They sort of just came and went and didn’t do anything more than temporarily lift and then ultimately crush our spirits. Like a bad dream.
To complicate things, I found out I’m pregnant two weeks ago. Yes. It’s true. For the fourth time this year. Last month when I got the positive, the joy was short-lived. My test basically went negative in two days. I thought it couldn’t possibly happen 3 times, so I got very excited. This time, my hCG has been rising appropriately (every 35 hours), but -- it did with my baby who was due this week, so it’s giving me little comfort. I feel disturbingly neutral.
If you’re getting whiplash from all these pregnancy announcements, I don’t blame you. Feel free to skip this sort of stuff. I feel crazy and foolish. I debated sharing for the last two weeks because who knows how it will turn out. With my history, it isn’t looking great. At the same time, I’m not the type who can post a cornbread recipe with all this stuff going on in the background. Though I’m trying to chug along and will hopefully get back to “normal” writing soon.
Things that are different this month:
My doctor has been asking me all along to keep close track of everything. Had I not caught last month’s chemical, he may not have prescribed 200 mg of progesterone starting at 5 days after I ovulated (not orally, if you catch my drift) twice a day. I have also been taking baby aspirin since before conception. I hear mixed experiences about the efficacy of this treatment plan for recurrent pregnancy loss. So, at least if things don’t go well again, we’ll know that we need to dig deeper. The progesterone gives me heart palpitations but otherwise I don’t have enhanced pregnancy symptoms.
In fact, I have fewer than usual. But that’s a story for another day.
Strangely enough -- and without any sort of messing from me -- my first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday. That’s right. The 29th. My due date. A weird coincidence? A sign from the universe? And get this -- I’ll be 5 weeks and 4 days, just like my first ultrasound with that pregnancy. I’m feeling anxious. I’m scared it’s going to go down exactly as it did in March. The dates will look off from the start even though I’m sure of them, we’ll have to wait and wait and wait and wait some more.
I know I should try to have more hope, but it’s immensely difficult. I keep reminding myself that today I am pregnant. That’s all I can do. Of course, I’ll update when I can, but I had to get it off my chest. I could use any and all of your good vibes if you’re willing to send them my way. Thanks as always for your sensitivity and understanding.
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